Him:I’m not going to use this taxi company again. They nearly killed me this morning
Me:don’t be so hasty darling…give them another chance
*on the phone
Him: where are you?!
Me: I’m just waiting for the train
Him: hurry up
Me:…no problem. I’ll be waiting faster
7y: mummy, how long have you been married to daddy?
Me: 7 years
7y: how long have you got left?
I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass
…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy talks more
I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all
Neighbour: if your son doesn’t stop playing drums right now I’ll lose my mind!!
Me: too late…he’s stopped half an hour ago
My mother in law:did you put the weight on?
Me:no…actually I’ve lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you
My kids had head lice once so please don’t tell me about your home invasion…
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn’t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents