I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
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When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Miscakes
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach