My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
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I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it