Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of MissSassy_Pants's best tweets

@MissSassy_Pants : [First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That's no excuse for eating my food.

@MissSassy_Pants: The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don't realize turn signals exist.

@MissSassy_Pants: Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don't have money to pay the rent and then we're homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

@MissSassy_Pants: Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don't eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I'm just testing it first to make sure there's no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

@MissSassy_Pants: 6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.

Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn't need me anymore! [Sobbing]

6yo: Ummmm well I still can't spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]

@MissSassy_Pants: You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say "I'm gonna mess this up and I don't need any witnesses"?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

@MissSassy_Pants: Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

@MissSassy_Pants: Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn't what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

@MissSassy_Pants: Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not "funny".

Officer: Ma'am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

@MissSassy_Pants: Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you're beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?