@MissSassy_Pants: The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don't realize turn signals exist.
@MissSassy_Pants: Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don't have money to pay the rent and then we're homeless.
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
@MissSassy_Pants: Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don't eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I'm just testing it first to make sure there's no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
@MissSassy_Pants: 6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn't need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can't spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
@MissSassy_Pants: You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say "I'm gonna mess this up and I don't need any witnesses"?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
@MissSassy_Pants: Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
@MissSassy_Pants: Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Date: This wasn't what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
@MissSassy_Pants: Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not "funny".
Officer: Ma'am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
@MissSassy_Pants: Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you're beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?