@MissSassy_Pants

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

@MissSassy_Pants

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

@MissSassy_Pants

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

@MissSassy_Pants

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

@MissSassy_Pants

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

@MissSassy_Pants

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

@MissSassy_Pants

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

@MissSassy_Pants

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]