Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.


Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.


Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.


Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.


The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.


Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…


[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.


The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.


Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.


6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.


Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]