I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
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Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
#polloftheday
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Love it! 👍😂
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope