Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
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IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?