im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
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You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Yup….perfect score!
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
why am i having trouble navigating this map??