ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
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I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.