Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
My what?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Can Happiness buy money?
moms in horror movies
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.