Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
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Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands