College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
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Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Did my cat write this
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Doggies just call it style.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?