My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
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Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning