Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
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Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape