HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.