[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
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I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Get in loser we’re going crying
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.