I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
wait.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it