I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
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CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no