[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
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The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”