Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
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Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Geez man, take it easy.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork