waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
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My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.