@Moldy_Jellybean

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

@Moldy_Jellybean

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

@Moldy_Jellybean

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

@Moldy_Jellybean

Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.

@Moldy_Jellybean

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

@Moldy_Jellybean

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.