How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
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Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣