@MollyCocktail

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

@MollyCocktail

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

@MollyCocktail

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

@MollyCocktail

*pours gasoline*
*strikes match*
*tosses*

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Laundry’s done.

@MollyCocktail

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook