I’m a bad influence on myself.
You Might Also Like
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
accurate
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes