Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
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*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Venn
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Never forget.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Can’t, holding a grudge
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die