I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
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I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]