@Molly_Kats

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

@Molly_Kats

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

@Molly_Kats

Do I feel like crying? HELL YES LET’S DO THIS ‘THE FAULT IN OUR STARS’

@Molly_Kats

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

@Molly_Kats

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

@Molly_Kats

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

@Molly_Kats

WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.

@Molly_Kats

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom