Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@MomofTeen : I'll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
@MomofTeen: Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
@MomofTeen: Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
@MomofTeen: My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
@MomofTeen: The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
@MomofTeen: My son's girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
@MomofTeen: Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I'm eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I'm a loser.
@MomofTeen: Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
"You're seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!"
@MomofTeen: Me: You're old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
@MomofTeen: I just saw The Big Sick and now I'm negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
There is only one rule, it should be funny, you can submit your own tweet or one you think is funny.
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FunnyTweeter.com is a daily updated collection of funniest tweets from all over the world. We did not write these tweets, all credit goes to the original authors, follow them and encourage them to tweet more :)
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