Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
LO: Hell yes.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
M: The MOST annoying?
M: I’ll take it.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.