I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Can I get an Amen?
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.