@MomOnFire

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

@MomOnFire

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

@MomOnFire

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

@MomOnFire

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

@MomOnFire

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

@MomOnFire

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

@MomOnFire

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

@MomOnFire

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

@MomOnFire

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

@MomOnFire

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.