@MomOnFire

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

@MomOnFire

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

@MomOnFire

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

@MomOnFire

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

@MomOnFire

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

@MomOnFire

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

@MomOnFire

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

@MomOnFire

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

@MomOnFire

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

@MomOnFire

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.