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Page of Mom_Overboard's best tweets

@Mom_Overboard : [drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

@Mom_Overboard: If you haven't met someone, don't despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

@Mom_Overboard: Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

@Mom_Overboard: Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso's Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

@Mom_Overboard: Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

@Mom_Overboard: Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I'm out of shape and out of breath.

@Mom_Overboard: Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

@Mom_Overboard: Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it's alright I guess

@Mom_Overboard: [Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

@Mom_Overboard: Me: I'm terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]