Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of Mom_Overboard's best tweets

@Mom_Overboard : Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would've gotten away with so many things if it weren't for these meddling kids.

@Mom_Overboard: millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

@Mom_Overboard: Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

@Mom_Overboard: [drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

@Mom_Overboard: If you haven't met someone, don't despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

@Mom_Overboard: Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

@Mom_Overboard: Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso's Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

@Mom_Overboard: Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

@Mom_Overboard: Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I'm out of shape and out of breath.

@Mom_Overboard: Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me