@Mom_Overboard

Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose

@Mom_Overboard

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

@Mom_Overboard

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

@Mom_Overboard

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

@Mom_Overboard

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

@Mom_Overboard

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

@Mom_Overboard

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

@Mom_Overboard

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.