Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
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i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Wednesday
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
me after drinking all the wine:
Watermelon Boss!
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises