@MommaUnfiltered

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

@MommaUnfiltered

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

@MommaUnfiltered

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

@MommaUnfiltered

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

@MommaUnfiltered

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

@MommaUnfiltered

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?