*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.