[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.