for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
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FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?