I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
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You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!