I have a hummus budget and caviar tastes.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Teen: Made of wicker?
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.