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Page of MomofTeen's best tweets

@MomofTeen : I'll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

@MomofTeen: Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

@MomofTeen: Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

@MomofTeen: My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

@MomofTeen: The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

@MomofTeen: My son's girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

@MomofTeen: Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I'm eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I'm a loser.

@MomofTeen: Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
"You're seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!"

@MomofTeen: Me: You're old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

@MomofTeen: I just saw The Big Sick and now I'm negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.