*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
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Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..