@Momtoteens

Daughter just told me my hair looks good. The request for a ride will be coming in less than 10 minutes.

@Momtoteens

If gyms paid pretty girls to just sit and clap in the weight section, I bet they could charge anything they want for a membership.

@Momtoteens

Daughter comes home with shirt inside out.
Me: Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: “second base”

@Momtoteens

I’m sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don’t smell good anymore.

@Momtoteens

When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.

@Momtoteens

Dear Grocery Bagger,
Please don’t put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag.
My kids don’t like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.