Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Momtoteens's best tweets

@Momtoteens : Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.

@Momtoteens: Daughter just told me my hair looks good. The request for a ride will be coming in less than 10 minutes.

@Momtoteens: If gyms paid pretty girls to just sit and clap in the weight section, I bet they could charge anything they want for a membership.

@Momtoteens: If you don’t wear a body wallet to bed with all your cash in it, you aren’t really raising teens.

@Momtoteens: Daughter comes home with shirt inside out.
Me: Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: "second base"

@Momtoteens: I'm sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don't smell good anymore.

@Momtoteens: When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.

@Momtoteens: Dear Grocery Bagger,
Please don't put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag.
My kids don't like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.