I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
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When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Anyone want a chair?