Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
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Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).