Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
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Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Squirrels before girls.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?