@MooseAllain

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

@MooseAllain

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

@MooseAllain

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

@MooseAllain

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

@MooseAllain

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

@MooseAllain

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

@MooseAllain

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

@MooseAllain

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

@MooseAllain

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.