@MooseAllain

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

@MooseAllain

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

@MooseAllain

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

@MooseAllain

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”