@MooseAllain

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

@MooseAllain

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

@MooseAllain

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

@MooseAllain

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

@MooseAllain

“I’ve built a model of Mount Everest”
“Is that to scale?”
“No, just to look at”

@MooseAllain

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

@MooseAllain

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

@MooseAllain

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

@MooseAllain

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.

@MooseAllain

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.