@MooseAllain

My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.

@MooseAllain

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

@MooseAllain

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

@MooseAllain

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

@MooseAllain

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

@MooseAllain

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.