Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.