Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Has science gone too far?
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph