@Mostly_Cheese: Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
@Mostly_Cheese: Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
@Mostly_Cheese: [reviewing security cam footage to see what's eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it's me
@Mostly_Cheese: [playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo's gay??
@Mostly_Cheese: [on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
@Mostly_Cheese: My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
@Mostly_Cheese: Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You're free to go.
@Mostly_Cheese: [trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
@Mostly_Cheese: Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.