Sorry I made promises on Friday
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Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.