If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
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4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.