@Mothpete

Health tip: There’s never a ‘safe’ time to shake a teenage boy’s hand. Never.

@Mothpete

The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That’s 15 minutes, right? I’m not reading too much into it?

@Mothpete

I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.

@Mothpete

I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

@Mothpete

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.