This is true.
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don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.